Sunday, April 19, 2015

Funny

Funny how I can laugh it off but deep inside I know it bothers me
Funny how everyone's got their own clique and I'm just here from the outside looking in
Funny how all my life I thought things would change
Funny how it didn't.

Funny how people keep telling me that I'm
"hilarious"
"funny ashit"
"chill af"
"cute or whatever"
"hella smart"
"fab"
"gucci and prada"
but they never took the time to get to know me
Funny how I don't feel like I'm worthy of all the compliments given to me
Funny how people just say something positive and move on from me
Funny how I think I'm doing the right thing but I end up getting hurt
Funny how when it comes right down to it, I have no one to vent to but this stupid blog
Where it's funny how no one is even listening.

Funny how things bother me more than they should
Funny how I'm the only one who takes things this seriously
Funny how everyone perceives me differently from the way I feel
Funny how I can never express myself to anyone.

Funny how I can sound this clingy and expressive and needy
But it's even funnier how I get so annoyed by anyone trying to get close to me.

Funny how I don't know what I want in life
Funny how I don't know what I want in a friend
Funny how I don't even know who I am myself.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Free Write #4 [Loneliness]

This is a free write.
No rhyming.
No beats.
No spitting bars.
No nothing.
Because I'm writing how I'm feeling.
And I cannot stop to process what I'm writing.
Or what I'm doing.
Or what I'm feeling.
Or to just sit here and think of potential synonyms to the words I'm looking for.
Because I'm overcome by emotion.
And I want to get them down before I lose them.
And I want to pent them up in this post before I forget what it felt like to feel like this.
To be honest, what do I feel?
What are feelings?
Why are they so complicated?
And why am I not sure about how I feel?
Why is there a a color grey?
Why can't things just be clear,
Black or white?
My worries
They keep coming back every time I get rid of them.


Hi.
Hello.
Friendly smiles.
Conversations.
I easily fit in.

You should come here.
We'll be great friends!
Coaxing.
Informing me about this foreign place.
I easily believed them.

I will.
I promise.
Transfer papers.
Acceptance.
I felt so excited.

But for some reason all of that disappeared.
Now that I was a permanent resident.
People I thought I knew just walked past me like strangers.
"We'll be great friends" my ass.
I felt so tricked into being here.

Everyone was nice.
A little friendship here.
A little hoping for something more there.

I don't understand.
I've been dreaming about this for so long.
Why do I dread it?
I thought I'll fit in.
I thought I'll be making so many friends.
Who I could trust.
Who I could be myself around.
Who felt the same way about me.
Who I could spend time around 24/7 and not get annoyed by.
Who would be there for me.
Who never used me because of my intelligence and hard work.

But I didn't.
And in this environment full of people,
I feel so alone.
And in this sea of different personalities,
I'm the one that's different.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Free Write #3 [Optimism]

This is a free write.
No rhyming.
No beats.
No spitting bars.
No nothing.
Because I'm writing how I'm feeling.
And I cannot stop to process what I'm writing.
Or what I'm doing.
Or what I'm feeling.
Or to just sit here and think of potential synonyms to the words I'm looking for.
Because I'm overcome by emotion.
And I want to get them down before I lose them.
And I want to pent them up in this post before I forget what it felt like to feel like this.
To be honest, what do I feel?
What are feelings?
Why are they so complicated?
And why am I not sure about how I feel?
Why is there a a color grey?
Why can't things just be clear,
Black or white?
My worries
They keep coming back every time I get rid of them.


There was a period of time where I thought I had the world in my hands.
There was a period of time where I thought I had finally belonged.
There was a period of time where I thought I didn't have to wait anymore.
That this period of time was what I was waiting for.
That this period of time was what I worked so hard for.
That this period of time proved that karma existed.
But it was too short.
It quickly turned into a period of time where I got stressed out.
A period of time where I felt the whole world was mad at me.
A period of time where nothing worked my way.
And I'm still in this period of time.
But at my lowest
lowest
lowest
lowest 
lowest
point in life
There is nowhere to go but up.
And I will get to my high again.

I had a free write number two.
It's still in my drafts.
I contemplated
and had trouble deciding
whether or not I should post what it stated.
It's dark
So dark
Darker than the night on a new moon.
Darker than the bags under my eyes.
Darker than a satirical novel that covers all of this world's problems.
Darker than the darkest shade of black.
Vantablack I think it's called.
So dark you can't even see the walls.
The boundaries.
Like a hellish oblivion.
A dark extending to infinity.
And I decided not to let it out.
Because sometimes you need to let things out to feel better.
But sometimes you just feel better when you keep it to yourself.
Because sometimes no one needs to know your darkest secret.
Because that's what makes us individuals.
And we all go through hills and valleys
At different times.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Free Write #1 [Confusion]

This is a free write.
No rhyming.
No beats.
No spitting bars.
No nothing.
Because I'm writing how I'm feeling.
And I cannot stop to process what I'm writing.
Or what I'm doing.
Or what I'm feeling.
Or to just sit here and think of potential synonyms to the words I'm looking for.
Because I'm overcome by emotion.
And I want to get them down before I lose them.
And I want to pent them up in this post before I forget what it felt like to feel like this.
To be honest, what do I feel?
What are feelings?
Why are they so complicated?
And why am I not sure about how I feel?
Why is there a a color grey?
Why can't things just be clear,
Black or white?
My worries
They keep coming back every time I get rid of them.

Are you going to come back to me?
Do I want you to come back to me?
Are you going to leave me?
Leave me helpless?
Like how many others did before you?
Are you going to abandon me?
Abandon me on the side of the road while you travel on?
Like how many others did before you?
Are you sick of me?
Sick of how I'm so insecure and annoying?
Like how many others thought of before you?

But do I want to let you go?
To get far away from me and forget about me?
Like I did with so many others before you?
Do I want you to move on?
Move onto someone who will make you happy?
Like I wanted with so many others before you?
Am I being selfish?
Or am I being the bigger person?
Will I regret it if I let you go?
Or will I regret it even more if I let you stay?
Will you hate me for being selfish?
Or will you hate me even more for trying to push you away?

I found someone that could potentially replace the hole you left in me
But I'm not sure if he ever will.
I'm not sure if he could even begin to mend what broke inside of me.

I never talked to him like I did with you.
I never laughed with him like I did with you.
I never missed him like I do with you.

And although I'm sure that I already made the decision to let you go,
But my heart doesn't want to.
Because it wants to be selfish.
Just once.
Just this once.
But it can't.
And it won't.
And I believe in fate.
And I believe that if I weren't meant to let you go, you'll come back.
And I believe I'll find happiness someday.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
Not any day that I'm thinking of you.
But some day.
Because I believe that I deserve it.
And you deserve happiness too.
Which is why I let you go.

Paris's Fall

Her smile is the epitome of all that I live for.
Bright like the sun, hard to ignore.
Her eyes reflect mine; her gaze so ruthless
Like she can see what I'm thinking, as though I'm translucent.
Her movements so graceful, so nimble, so perfect.
However she moves makes my heart skip a beat quick.
Dear Aphrodite, this love trap, I fell in
the well that wishes for the beauty named Helen.

But alas since she came here, she cause nothing but trouble.
And the death of my citizens have nothing but doubled.
These past ten years have been the worst for my city.
All of this bloodshed for a woman so pretty.
After killing Achilles, I too, have been slain.
And in my last dying moments, I just wanted to say,
Out of victory, out of power, I chose romance.
(Guess why the city of love is Paris, France.)*
If I had never fallen for Helen's seduction,
I would have never single-handedly led Troy to destruction.

*not historically accurate, but I found it ironically funny

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dancing with Melancholy

She's ill.
A hole in her heart that she cannot
fill.
As all the pills whisper, "Take me.
You'll feel more normal."
As all the people say, "Try to be happy.
Make your depression more subtle."
"If only it were that easy,"
She thought of as a rebuttal.

She goes to the therapist more than she goes
home.
When asked about her feelings, her mind turns to
stone.
"I feel trapped," she thinks.
"This horrible monster has held me captive.
Sometimes I think I've escaped, but in fact, it
keeps me trapped in.
I'm isolated.
Privacy invaded.
It goes through my memories,
and makes its presence stated.
This war - I'm losing.
This monster it-
It's controlling what I'm doing."
But as always,
Only two words squeeze through her lips,
"I'm fine."

In her room.
Experiment time.
How many pills can make her truly happy?
How much time will pass before she's finally free?

She looks down as her soul climbs up.
Depression, the monster,
was only there to haunt her.
Its cages were mere shadows.
Itself, a silhouette.
With a tempo of allegro,
She did a pirouette
But dropped to her knees,
So quick - so abrupt.
Out of all directions to escape,
She chose to give her life up.

Summer is Freedom

The perfect day for summer
is relaxing endless hours
spent playing outside
with the smell of fresh grass and flowers.
Running around barefoot
and reclining on the grass.
Days where time forever stops-
but nothing ever lasts.
Cloud-watching, sun shining,
getting sprayed by sprinklers.
Ice-cream eating, sunglass-wearing,
rebellious free-thinkers.
The time of freedom and beautiful days
and relaxation.
Summer is finally here,
the start of our free vacation.