Friday, February 27, 2015

Free Write #1 [Confusion]

This is a free write.
No rhyming.
No beats.
No spitting bars.
No nothing.
Because I'm writing how I'm feeling.
And I cannot stop to process what I'm writing.
Or what I'm doing.
Or what I'm feeling.
Or to just sit here and think of potential synonyms to the words I'm looking for.
Because I'm overcome by emotion.
And I want to get them down before I lose them.
And I want to pent them up in this post before I forget what it felt like to feel like this.
To be honest, what do I feel?
What are feelings?
Why are they so complicated?
And why am I not sure about how I feel?
Why is there a a color grey?
Why can't things just be clear,
Black or white?
My worries
They keep coming back every time I get rid of them.

Are you going to come back to me?
Do I want you to come back to me?
Are you going to leave me?
Leave me helpless?
Like how many others did before you?
Are you going to abandon me?
Abandon me on the side of the road while you travel on?
Like how many others did before you?
Are you sick of me?
Sick of how I'm so insecure and annoying?
Like how many others thought of before you?

But do I want to let you go?
To get far away from me and forget about me?
Like I did with so many others before you?
Do I want you to move on?
Move onto someone who will make you happy?
Like I wanted with so many others before you?
Am I being selfish?
Or am I being the bigger person?
Will I regret it if I let you go?
Or will I regret it even more if I let you stay?
Will you hate me for being selfish?
Or will you hate me even more for trying to push you away?

I found someone that could potentially replace the hole you left in me
But I'm not sure if he ever will.
I'm not sure if he could even begin to mend what broke inside of me.

I never talked to him like I did with you.
I never laughed with him like I did with you.
I never missed him like I do with you.

And although I'm sure that I already made the decision to let you go,
But my heart doesn't want to.
Because it wants to be selfish.
Just once.
Just this once.
But it can't.
And it won't.
And I believe in fate.
And I believe that if I weren't meant to let you go, you'll come back.
And I believe I'll find happiness someday.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
Not any day that I'm thinking of you.
But some day.
Because I believe that I deserve it.
And you deserve happiness too.
Which is why I let you go.

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