Sunday, April 19, 2015

Funny

Funny how I can laugh it off but deep inside I know it bothers me
Funny how everyone's got their own clique and I'm just here from the outside looking in
Funny how all my life I thought things would change
Funny how it didn't.

Funny how people keep telling me that I'm
"hilarious"
"funny ashit"
"chill af"
"cute or whatever"
"hella smart"
"fab"
"gucci and prada"
but they never took the time to get to know me
Funny how I don't feel like I'm worthy of all the compliments given to me
Funny how people just say something positive and move on from me
Funny how I think I'm doing the right thing but I end up getting hurt
Funny how when it comes right down to it, I have no one to vent to but this stupid blog
Where it's funny how no one is even listening.

Funny how things bother me more than they should
Funny how I'm the only one who takes things this seriously
Funny how everyone perceives me differently from the way I feel
Funny how I can never express myself to anyone.

Funny how I can sound this clingy and expressive and needy
But it's even funnier how I get so annoyed by anyone trying to get close to me.

Funny how I don't know what I want in life
Funny how I don't know what I want in a friend
Funny how I don't even know who I am myself.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Free Write #4 [Loneliness]

This is a free write.
No rhyming.
No beats.
No spitting bars.
No nothing.
Because I'm writing how I'm feeling.
And I cannot stop to process what I'm writing.
Or what I'm doing.
Or what I'm feeling.
Or to just sit here and think of potential synonyms to the words I'm looking for.
Because I'm overcome by emotion.
And I want to get them down before I lose them.
And I want to pent them up in this post before I forget what it felt like to feel like this.
To be honest, what do I feel?
What are feelings?
Why are they so complicated?
And why am I not sure about how I feel?
Why is there a a color grey?
Why can't things just be clear,
Black or white?
My worries
They keep coming back every time I get rid of them.


Hi.
Hello.
Friendly smiles.
Conversations.
I easily fit in.

You should come here.
We'll be great friends!
Coaxing.
Informing me about this foreign place.
I easily believed them.

I will.
I promise.
Transfer papers.
Acceptance.
I felt so excited.

But for some reason all of that disappeared.
Now that I was a permanent resident.
People I thought I knew just walked past me like strangers.
"We'll be great friends" my ass.
I felt so tricked into being here.

Everyone was nice.
A little friendship here.
A little hoping for something more there.

I don't understand.
I've been dreaming about this for so long.
Why do I dread it?
I thought I'll fit in.
I thought I'll be making so many friends.
Who I could trust.
Who I could be myself around.
Who felt the same way about me.
Who I could spend time around 24/7 and not get annoyed by.
Who would be there for me.
Who never used me because of my intelligence and hard work.

But I didn't.
And in this environment full of people,
I feel so alone.
And in this sea of different personalities,
I'm the one that's different.