Saturday, April 4, 2015

Free Write #4 [Loneliness]

This is a free write.
No rhyming.
No beats.
No spitting bars.
No nothing.
Because I'm writing how I'm feeling.
And I cannot stop to process what I'm writing.
Or what I'm doing.
Or what I'm feeling.
Or to just sit here and think of potential synonyms to the words I'm looking for.
Because I'm overcome by emotion.
And I want to get them down before I lose them.
And I want to pent them up in this post before I forget what it felt like to feel like this.
To be honest, what do I feel?
What are feelings?
Why are they so complicated?
And why am I not sure about how I feel?
Why is there a a color grey?
Why can't things just be clear,
Black or white?
My worries
They keep coming back every time I get rid of them.

Friendly smiles.
I easily fit in.

You should come here.
We'll be great friends!
Informing me about this foreign place.
I easily believed them.

I will.
I promise.
Transfer papers.
I felt so excited.

But for some reason all of that disappeared.
Now that I was a permanent resident.
People I thought I knew just walked past me like strangers.
"We'll be great friends" my ass.
I felt so tricked into being here.

Everyone was nice.
A little friendship here.
A little hoping for something more there.

I don't understand.
I've been dreaming about this for so long.
Why do I dread it?
I thought I'll fit in.
I thought I'll be making so many friends.
Who I could trust.
Who I could be myself around.
Who felt the same way about me.
Who I could spend time around 24/7 and not get annoyed by.
Who would be there for me.
Who never used me because of my intelligence and hard work.

But I didn't.
And in this environment full of people,
I feel so alone.
And in this sea of different personalities,
I'm the one that's different.

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